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Thread: How about a thread devoted to humor?

  1. #71
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    My wife sent me this list of lines from Phyllis Diller that a co-worker sent her:

    Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight

    Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

    Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

    The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

    Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

    A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

    I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

    Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

    Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

    We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

    Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

    What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

    The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

    His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

    Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

    My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.

    I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

    Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

    I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

    The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

    You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

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  2. #72
    Bent Member Chuck H's Avatar
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    Nothing funny in this post. I just want to comment on the Phyllis Diller quotes.

    Everyone complains about modern television broadcasting offering a million things to watch and none of it being what you want to see. Not exactly "TV's not as good as it use to be." but pretty close. Of course when you look at older TV broadcasting, with only six channels and three of them airing Happy Days back to back with Lavern and Shirley reruns, it was pretty bad a lot of the time. We watched it anyway. What older broadcasting had that we lack today though were these exceptional and witty personalities. And we watched them every chance we got because it was good, funny and sometimes insightful programming we could identify with. It felt closer to home and more personal. Sure there are some modern celebrity personalities. A couple are pretty good too, but nothing like the way it was and too often shadowed by the Kim Kardashian's, Donald Trump's and Guy Fieri's. I know the broadcast industry is just giving the universal "us" what we want. In my opinion we should choose better because we lost something, somehow getting to where we are.

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    "I'm just going to perform a bit more scientific investigation, turn it up to 11 and rip of the knob." überfuzz

    "...less ear-friendly but handy for jazz." Leo_Gnardo

    "A pedal, any kind, will not make a Guitar player more dangerous than he already is." J M Fahey

    "If you build it, it will hum..." Justin Thomas

  3. #73
    Old Timer Leo_Gnardo's Avatar
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    What's the definition of a gentleman? A guy who knows how to play bagpipes*, but doesn't.

    *substitute your choice of instrument: viola, banjo, accordion, trombone, drums, saxophone etc.

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  4. #74
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  5. #75
    Supporting Member The Dude's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dai h. View Post
    I'm rushing out to replace every metal screw in my amps right now!

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    “Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.”

  6. #76
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    You CAN'T make fun of him. He has a picture of himself looking into a microscope!

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  7. #77
    Bent Member Chuck H's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dmartn149 View Post
    You CAN'T make fun of him. He has a picture of himself looking into a microscope!
    Very sceintific indeed!









    Yes. I know. I did it on purpose.

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    "I'm just going to perform a bit more scientific investigation, turn it up to 11 and rip of the knob." überfuzz

    "...less ear-friendly but handy for jazz." Leo_Gnardo

    "A pedal, any kind, will not make a Guitar player more dangerous than he already is." J M Fahey

    "If you build it, it will hum..." Justin Thomas

  8. #78
    Old Timer tedmich's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Dude View Post
    I'm rushing out to replace every metal screw in my amps right now!
    don't forget the screws on the back of your OD pedal! (EJ)

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  9. #79
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    I'm leaving the screws I have in my old Garrard turntable!
    I personally can't hear any difference between a $50 guitar cord, and a $10 one, so I doubt I could detect the type of fastener used to mount the cartrige. (However if the change would take some of the noise out of my 40+ year old LP's it would be worth a try!)

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  10. #80
    Bent Member Chuck H's Avatar
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    I have a bunch of NOS screws from various Fender and Marshall amps if anyone is interested. Distressed finish too

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    "I'm just going to perform a bit more scientific investigation, turn it up to 11 and rip of the knob." überfuzz

    "...less ear-friendly but handy for jazz." Leo_Gnardo

    "A pedal, any kind, will not make a Guitar player more dangerous than he already is." J M Fahey

    "If you build it, it will hum..." Justin Thomas

  11. #81
    Old Timer Tom Phillips's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chuck H View Post
    I have a bunch of NOS screws from various Fender and Marshall amps if anyone is interested. Distressed finish too
    I'd only be interested if they were cryo treated and certified oxygen free. Mostly the free part actually.

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  12. #82
    don't forget the joker g1's Avatar
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    The voices in my head are idiots!

  13. #83
    Bent Member Chuck H's Avatar
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    Slow commute. Funny.

    I use to keep chickens. Now I live in town and though I can legally have some it's considered bad form. This yard is no good for it too. I really miss them. And the eggs too.

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    "I'm just going to perform a bit more scientific investigation, turn it up to 11 and rip of the knob." überfuzz

    "...less ear-friendly but handy for jazz." Leo_Gnardo

    "A pedal, any kind, will not make a Guitar player more dangerous than he already is." J M Fahey

    "If you build it, it will hum..." Justin Thomas

  14. #84
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    Quote Originally Posted by dai h. View Post
    I think someone's Helmut is screwed on too tight. :x

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    Start simple...then go deep!

    "EL84's are the bitches of guitar amp design." Chuck H

    "How could they know back in 1980-whatever that there'd come a time when it was easier to find the wreck of the Titanic than find another SAD1024?" -Mark Hammer

  15. #85
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    I cackled.

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    Start simple...then go deep!

    "EL84's are the bitches of guitar amp design." Chuck H

    "How could they know back in 1980-whatever that there'd come a time when it was easier to find the wreck of the Titanic than find another SAD1024?" -Mark Hammer

  16. #86
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    And now for something completely different. Rednecks.

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    Yes. They're even in "yankee land"!
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    You don't have to pray the air stays in, they already did!
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    If they'd only come here first...
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    Start simple...then go deep!

    "EL84's are the bitches of guitar amp design." Chuck H

    "How could they know back in 1980-whatever that there'd come a time when it was easier to find the wreck of the Titanic than find another SAD1024?" -Mark Hammer

  17. #87
    Old Timer Leo_Gnardo's Avatar
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    Hows about a redneck hedge trimmer:
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  18. #88
    Old Timer Leo_Gnardo's Avatar
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    They get out on the water too - redneck houseboat. Looks like fun, long as the wind don't kick up.
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  19. #89
    Old Timer Leo_Gnardo's Avatar
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    Or redneck friends have remarkable culinary skills, in the kitchen and at the barbeque. Plus an alternate food pyramid. It's all good, chow down folks!
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  20. #90
    Old Timer Leo_Gnardo's Avatar
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    Whoa Vern, they even got - - - computers! A guide:
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  21. #91
    Old Timer Leo_Gnardo's Avatar
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    Fun for all ages at the mall, and a store for every one of your needs.
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  22. #92
    Old Timer Leo_Gnardo's Avatar
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    Time for Sunday funnies, almost forgot - in case you missed this classic last October 14.
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  23. #93
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    Courtesy of my wife, though doubtless the person who sent it to her got it from somewhere else:

    Laws not taught in Physics...
    1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

    2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

    3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

    4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

    5.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

    6.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

    7.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

    8.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

    9.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

    10.Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena -At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

    11.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

    12.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

    13.Law of Physical Surfaces -
    The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

    14.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

    15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly. (So that explains it!!!)

    16.Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

    17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

    18.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

    If you don't forward this to your friends, your belly button will unscrew. Really... It's true. I read it on the Internet!

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  24. #94
    Supporting Member Steve A.'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chuck H View Post
    What older broadcasting had that we lack today though were these exceptional and witty personalities. And we watched them every chance we got because it was good, funny and sometimes insightful programming we could identify with. It felt closer to home and more personal... I know the broadcast industry is just giving the universal "us" what we want. In my opinion we should choose better because we lost something, somehow getting to where we are.
    I haven't had cable for 5+ years- I watch whatever I can find on the internet, some of which is actually legal. "Crackle" is a great free movie/TV free site that has a great business plan: they run commercials before and during the shows, just like broadcast TV. (The better the show, the more commercials they run- with Seinfeld it is almost 50-50. ) They have different featured shows and movies which change regularly as well as whatever you can find digging into the menus.

    There are a lot of great TV shows that never made it to DVD like the John Larroquette Show from the mid-90's with a really good ensemble cast. Here is the Pilot... the first season was pretty dark but they lightened it up a bit in the last 3 seasons.

    The John Larroquette Show 101_Pilot - Video Dailymotion

    Steve Ahola

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  25. #95
    Supporting Member Steve A.'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chuck H View Post
    What older broadcasting had that we lack today though were these exceptional and witty personalities. And we watched them every chance we got because it was good, funny and sometimes insightful programming we could identify with. It felt closer to home and more personal... I know the broadcast industry is just giving the universal "us" what we want. In my opinion we should choose better because we lost something, somehow getting to where we are.
    I haven't had cable for 5+ years- I watch whatever I can find on the internet, some of which is actually legal. "Crackle" is a great free movie/TV free site that has a great business plan: they run commercials before and during the shows, just like broadcast TV. (The better the show, the more commercials they run- with Seinfeld it is almost 50-50. ) They have different featured shows and movies which change regularly as well as whatever you can find digging into the menus.

    There are a lot of great TV shows that never made it to DVD like the John Larroquette Show from the mid-90's with a really good ensemble cast. Here is the Pilot... the first season had some pretty dark humor but they lightened it up a bit in the last 2 1/2 seasons when Alison LaPlaca joined the cast as John's next door neighbor and (spoiler alert!) girlfriend.



    Although it was never released on DVD some diehard fan(s) recorded most of the shows on VHS tape and uploaded them to the internet. I don't think of that as being piracy because there is no interest in releasing the shows on DVD and they haven't been in syndication since 2005. I think of it as being more like the Library of Congress, preserving a very important part of our TV heritage. (I would rate this show as being funnier than Seinfeld.)

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_John_Larroquette_Show

    Steve Ahola

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    Last edited by Steve A.; 01-28-2015 at 05:59 AM.

  26. #96
    Senior Member Paleo Pete's Avatar
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    Some Steven Wright one liners...I don't know how he does it, but he delivers these onstage completely slow, quiet, so deadpan it's unreal...

    If you had everything...where would you put it?

    Why is it you can tell people there are a billion stars in the galaxy and they'll believe it, but if you put up a wet paint sigh they have to touch it to see?

    I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint...it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

    Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

    In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.

    When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

    I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

    I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

    If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

    I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

    If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

    Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

    I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

    If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

    There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

    I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

    Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

    I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

    I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

    Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

    A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

    I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

    It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

    If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

    I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

    I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

    Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

    If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

    What is the speed of dark?

    How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

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    Why do I drive way out here to view the wildlife when all the animals live in town?

    My Photography - http://billy-griffis-jr.artistwebsites.com/

  27. #97
    Bent Member Chuck H's Avatar
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    I've always enjoyed Steven Wright. One of my favorites:

    I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.

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    "I'm just going to perform a bit more scientific investigation, turn it up to 11 and rip of the knob." überfuzz

    "...less ear-friendly but handy for jazz." Leo_Gnardo

    "A pedal, any kind, will not make a Guitar player more dangerous than he already is." J M Fahey

    "If you build it, it will hum..." Justin Thomas

  28. #98
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    was there a silly cat video yet? Well, if there werenottedd...


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  29. #99
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    Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
    He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

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  30. #100
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  31. #101
    Supporting Member The Dude's Avatar
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    A woman gets into a really bad car accident.

    The husband rushes from work over to the hospital.

    The doctor comes out.

    He says, "Sorry, it's really bad news.
    Your wife was in a horrible car accident.
    Her face and body are totally mangled.
    She'll be crippled and paralyzed from the neck down.
    She's gonna need 24-hour care and your insurance is not going to pay for it.
    You're going to have to wash her, feed her, keep turning her over in case she gets bedsores, and rub ointment on her.
    And, you'll have to change her constantly 'cause she'll have no control over her bladder or bowels.”

    The man breaks down crying.

    And the doctor says,

    "I'm just f’n with ya............ She's dead."

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    Last edited by The Dude; 02-12-2015 at 04:04 AM.
    “Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.”

  32. #102
    Bent Member Chuck H's Avatar
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    I love an off color joke better than most I guess. I don't think most here endorse them in keeping with good taste whether they like them or not. Poor old Shamus O'Mally didn't get one like and that joke kills at parties. So does donkey dick and that didn't do well either.

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    "I'm just going to perform a bit more scientific investigation, turn it up to 11 and rip of the knob." überfuzz

    "...less ear-friendly but handy for jazz." Leo_Gnardo

    "A pedal, any kind, will not make a Guitar player more dangerous than he already is." J M Fahey

    "If you build it, it will hum..." Justin Thomas

  33. #103
    Bent Member Chuck H's Avatar
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    Ok... Here's one that only a little off color. And I'm always surprised by how many people don't know it.

    Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog "licking" himself in a yard. One guy looks to the other and says "Boy, I wish I could do that." The other guy says "Maybe if you pet him first."

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    "I'm just going to perform a bit more scientific investigation, turn it up to 11 and rip of the knob." überfuzz

    "...less ear-friendly but handy for jazz." Leo_Gnardo

    "A pedal, any kind, will not make a Guitar player more dangerous than he already is." J M Fahey

    "If you build it, it will hum..." Justin Thomas

  34. #104
    Senior Member
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    Near Nashville
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  35. #105
    Supporting Member
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    Apr 2007
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    Two novice females golfers were on the links enjoying a game, when one knocked a ball off of a tree. To her horror, a group were at the cup, and one fellow doubled over holding his hands between his legs. She ran over to the man, and said "I'm a licensed nurse, and I can help". She moved his hands, and loosened his pants, and started massaging his private parts. She asked "isn't that better", he said, "it feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken"!

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!

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