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Thread: How about a thread devoted to humor?

  1. #176
    ToneOholic! big_teee's Avatar
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    I'm always looking for clean simple corny jokes to tell my 3 grand kids.
    If you have any please post them.
    Here's three I came up with lately.

    When making a sandwich, don't forget the pickle?
    *
    *
    Why, cause the pickle is a big Dill!


    Where did the pencil go on vacation?
    *
    *
    Pennsylvania!


    Why did the Blacksmith keep taking the anvil to AA?
    *
    *
    Because the Anvil kept getting hammered!

    Got more corny kid jokes, post them here.
    T
    Technicians Run the World, but Bankers, Lawyers, and Accountants, Take All The Credit!
    Keep Rockin! B_T
    Terry

  2. #177
    Supporting Member Chuck H's Avatar
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    Well, back in post 37 I offered:

    Why don't sharks eat clowns?
    V
    V
    V
    Because they taste funny.

    Then there's:

    What did Tennessee?
    V
    V
    V
    The same thing Arkansas (pronounced are can saw)

    Or:

    Why is 6 afraid of 7?
    V
    V
    V
    Because 7 8 9

    Another one I like for kids is to tell them I have a great knock knock joke and then: "Ok, you start it."

    Knock knock.
    V
    V
    V
    Who's there?..

    The look on their wee faces is great while they work out what's going on.

    It's best to follow with a real knock knock joke. I usually go with "Orange you glad I didn't say banana" (if you know that one).
    J M Fahey and big_teee like this.
    "I've heard magic defined as "a technology you don't understand". By that aphorism, the folks in this forum are practicing wizards, able to summon AND control the lightning demon, and make charms to allow others to use the demon in certain ways." R.G.

    "...less ear-friendly but handy for jazz." Leo_Gnardo

  3. #178
    Senior Member Enzo's Avatar
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    If you want clean jokes for kids, just google "jokes for kids". Instantly more than you can ever tell.
    Education is what you're left with after you have forgotten what you have learned.

  4. #179
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    45 years ago, I was offered a summer job as a student, working for a child development prof, whose research involved looking at children's linguistic knowledge, via jokes. As it turned out, the first paycheck was going to take too long to arrive for my landlord, so I regrettably had to pass on the job.

    Sample joke: A man walks into a restaurant and orders some soup. Waiter brings him a bowl of soup and the man asks "What kind of soup is this?" The waiter says "It's bean soup, sir". The man says "I don't want to know what it's been. I want to know what it is now."

  5. #180
    rjb
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    RE: Linguistic knowledge
    This one was hilarious back in third grade.

    You have to say “pea green soup” after every question I ask.
    What did you have for breakfast?
    What did you have for lunch?
    What did you have for dinner?
    What did you do all night?

    -------------------------------------

    Some of the oldies don't work anymore.

    Q: What's black and white and red (read) all over?
    A: A newspaper.
    Q: What's a newspaper?


    Q: What's red and white on the outside and grey on the inside?
    A: Campbell's cream of elephant soup.
    Q: Hunh?
    article-2015015-0d04db5f00000578-558_233x417.jpg
    Last edited by rjb; 02-07-2017 at 04:30 AM.
    Chuck H and nickb like this.

  6. #181
    Senior Member Enzo's Avatar
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    Oh come on, that is still funny, everyone knows Campbells doesn't make Cream of Elephant in the Select Harvest series.

    Sheesh.

    Kids are great. Vaguely related then. My wife always carries a big bag of rubber duckies, and hands them out to kids (via parents) at restaurants, or stores or waiting rooms. Also gives one to the drive through at the bank - they have a long line in their window now. Locally she is known as the Duck Lady. Anyway, kids are super direct. The parents often trot the kid over to our table as they leave the restaurant for the forced "Thank you." But many times they say "Now what do you say to the lady?" Instead of thanks, the kids say things like "MINE!" or "I have a duck!" Or our favorite, "Can I get a different one?" The real fun is watching the parents horrified reactions, which we find hilarious.
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    Education is what you're left with after you have forgotten what you have learned.

  7. #182
    ToneOholic! big_teee's Avatar
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    What do you call a fake noodle?
    v
    v
    v
    v
    v
    v
    Impasta!
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    Technicians Run the World, but Bankers, Lawyers, and Accountants, Take All The Credit!
    Keep Rockin! B_T
    Terry

  8. #183
    Old Timer Leo_Gnardo's Avatar
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    What's a day without some coffee?
    <
    >
    <
    >
    <
    >
    Depresso...
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  9. #184
    Senior Member Enzo's Avatar
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    We know the Rastafarians from Jamaica, they play Reggae music. Well now there are some new ones from Italy. They are the Pastafarians, and they play Ragu music.
    Chuck H likes this.
    Education is what you're left with after you have forgotten what you have learned.

  10. #185
    Supporting Member Chuck H's Avatar
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    What do you tell someone that takes your cheese?
    *
    *
    *
    That's nacho cheese!

    Why do people like bananas?
    *
    *
    *
    Because they have appeal (a peel).

    What do you call a chicken coop with four doors instead of two?
    *
    *
    *
    A chicken sedan.

    Why did the fireman cross the road?
    *
    *
    *
    Because he was stapled to the chicken.
    "I've heard magic defined as "a technology you don't understand". By that aphorism, the folks in this forum are practicing wizards, able to summon AND control the lightning demon, and make charms to allow others to use the demon in certain ways." R.G.

    "...less ear-friendly but handy for jazz." Leo_Gnardo

  11. #186
    rjb
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chuck H View Post
    Why did the fireman cross the road?
    *
    *
    *
    Because he was stapled to the chicken.
    That reminded me of circa 2000 topical joke:

    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    *
    *
    *
    To record an album with Van Morrison.
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Van_Mo...Collaborations
    g1 likes this.

  12. #187
    Senior Member Enzo's Avatar
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    Why did the chicken cross the road?


    To show the possums it could be done.
    Education is what you're left with after you have forgotten what you have learned.

  13. #188
    ToneOholic! big_teee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enzo View Post
    Why did the chicken cross the road?


    To show the possums it could be done.

    Revise that to, show the possums and armadillos, it can be done. and you got a winner.
    T
    Chuck H likes this.
    Technicians Run the World, but Bankers, Lawyers, and Accountants, Take All The Credit!
    Keep Rockin! B_T
    Terry

  14. #189
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    Just a note to mark the passing of "the world's foremost authority", and comedy legend, Professor Irwin Corey, at the untimely age of 102. https://www.nytimes.com/2017/02/07/a...es-at-102.html

    I was first introduced to him in 1966 or so, by a high school buddy whose dad had a recording of Corey live at the Playboy Club. My friend's dad was author Mordecai Richler's brother, so I gather they shared a similar sense of humour that liked to knock down pompous folks a few pegs. Corey had been doing the same shtick for decades prior to 1966, and decades since, but it never failed to get a laugh. You can find a great performance of his on the old Smothers Brothers show on Youtube. He was performing well into his 90s.

    For me, Corey is right up there with Lord Buckley and Andy Kaufman.
    ken, Chuck H and Leo_Gnardo like this.

  15. #190
    Old Timer Tom Phillips's Avatar
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    Once upon a time...
    once-upon-time.jpg
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  16. #191
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    I may have posted this before, since it is an old classified ad that appeared in a local paper, but it's a keeper and a classic. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the greatest apartments ever. Full, and I mean full, service.
    apartment-ad.gif
    Let this be a warning to you kiddies: don't rely on spell-checkers too much...they don't catch everything.
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  17. #192
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    Understanding Engineers #1

    Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

    The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."



    Understanding Engineers #2

    To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



    Understanding Engineers #3

    A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

    The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

    The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

    The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

    The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"

    The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

    The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."

    The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"



    Understanding Engineers #4

    What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.



    Understanding Engineers #5

    The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

    The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

    The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

    The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?”



    Understanding Engineers #6

    Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

    One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

    Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

    The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



    Understanding Engineers #7

    Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.



    Understanding Engineers #8

    An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

    He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

    The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

    Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

    The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."



    And Finally

    Two engineers?

    Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

    A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

    "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

    The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

    One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

    Both of these engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.

  18. #193
    Old Timer tedmich's Avatar
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    I missed this first time around

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  19. #194
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    I was going to start a thread for this, but it may belong here in the comedy thread1959 Fender Tweed Deluxe Wire - Bassman Super Champ 1958 57 | eBay

  20. #195
    Supporting Member The Dude's Avatar
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    Oh, good Lord!
    “Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.”

  21. #196
    Supporting Member mozz's Avatar
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  22. #197
    Old Timer tedmich's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mozz View Post
    LOL! I remember some $250 pieces of 54 Strat pickup masking tape I missed bidding on a few years back...

    Idea: feed old guitar into chipper and sell bits (set in lucite?) for $20 each!
    With certificates of authenticity, of course.

  23. #198
    Old Timer Tom Phillips's Avatar
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    The longer I watched this guy the more I liked his presentation.
    I wonder if he would ever do a video about the tone of capacitors.
    https://www.liveleak.com/view?i=b47_1492791153
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  24. #199
    Old Timer tedmich's Avatar
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  25. #200
    Old Timer tedmich's Avatar
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    cxmkkzu.png

  26. #201
    Supporting Member Steve A.'s Avatar
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    ■ Yosemite Sam's greatest hits, so to speak...



    For the scene starting around 1:54 the line "I ain't no namby pamby" had originally been "I ain't Mahatma Gandi"...

    https://youtu.be/4eo0OY8GOuc

    ■ For fans of Foghorn Leghorn...

    https://youtu.be/BMaUBeaiHnQ

    ... and more from Volume 2:

    https://youtu.be/udo-0Bfqo2o

    ■ Watch "TOP 10 BEST CLASSIC LOONEY TUNES CARTOONS OF ALL TIME COMPILATION [Cartoons for Children - HD]" on YouTube

    https://youtu.be/WDmNwyVNqHE

    ■ Watch "The BEST BUGS BUNNY, DAFFY DUCK & PORKY PIG: Looney Tunes Merrie Melodies [Cartoons For Children HD]" on YouTube (264+ minutes!!!)

    https://youtu.be/ITEXG22Y0MY

    ■ Watch "Road Runner & Wile E. Coyote 2014" on YouTube (commentary is in a foreign language but who cares?)

    https://youtu.be/w6KS6ofEAjs

    ■ For fans of Popeye and Olive Oyl...

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CaMEUYsfB3g&sns=em


    Steve A.

    P.S. YouTube and Google sure don't forget things... For the first time *ever* in my life I did NOT click the button to "skip ad" when it became available because the ad for Purple Pillows looked interesting. Ever since the ads presented to me have all been for Purple Pillows and Purple Mattresses...

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