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Thread: How about a thread devoted to humor?

  1. #246
    ToneOholic! big_teee's Avatar
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    Here's one I got on email from an old co-worker.


    Wise Italian Grandfather


    Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the
    family.

    An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I
    wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so
    you will always remember me."

    "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex
    watch instead?"

    "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
    have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
    bambinos. "

    "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
    another man.
    "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?

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    "Here I come to save the day!"
    That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way!
    (Philip Scheib / Marshall Barer) - circa 1955

    Terry

  2. #247
    Old Timer
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    Quote Originally Posted by big_teee View Post
    An old Italian man is dying....
    Cute.
    But you've really got to work on that accent.

    -rb

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    DON'T FEED THE TROLLS!

  3. #248
    ToneOholic! big_teee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rjb View Post
    Cute.
    But you've really got to work on that accent.

    -rb
    fuhgeddaboudit !

    T

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    "Here I come to save the day!"
    That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way!
    (Philip Scheib / Marshall Barer) - circa 1955

    Terry

  4. #249
    Supporting Member The Dude's Avatar
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    A group of golfing buddies, all in their 40’s, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because it wasn’t far from the course, the waitresses were young, good looking, showed lots of cleavage and wore short-shorts.

    Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.

    Ten years later, at age 60, the gang again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.

    Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

    Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.

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    “Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.”

  5. #250
    ToneOholic! big_teee's Avatar
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    Another email.


    Car Sale


    A retired older couple returned to a Corvette dealership where the

    salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a

    beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.

    The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply,
    "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised
    the $85,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for
    $72,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you
    had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."

    The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a
    large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash
    ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how
    could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
    Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the
    car keys to the old man.
    "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower
    the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."
    Once again ... don't mess with seniors.

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    Last edited by big_teee; 06-20-2018 at 05:14 AM.
    "Here I come to save the day!"
    That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way!
    (Philip Scheib / Marshall Barer) - circa 1955

    Terry

  6. #251
    Old Timer Tom Phillips's Avatar
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    Top 10 things that I never get done:

    1.

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    Last edited by Tom Phillips; 07-01-2018 at 02:05 AM.

  7. #252
    Bent Member Chuck H's Avatar
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    That reminds me of my mantra...

    Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after that.

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    "...less ear-friendly but handy for jazz." Leo_Gnardo

    "A pedal, any kind, will not make a Guitar player more dangerous than he already is." J M Fahey

    "Now get off my lawn with your silicooties and boom-chucka speakers and computers masquerading as amplifiers" Justin Thomas

    "A shot gun delivers a force that exceeds the operational range of most systems, such as pumpkins." Antigua

  8. #253
    Lifetime Member Enzo's Avatar
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    Studies have consistently shown that in the USA, three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

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    Education is what you're left with after you have forgotten what you have learned.

  9. #254
    Old Timer Leo_Gnardo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enzo View Post
    Studies have consistently shown that in the USA, three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
    and . . . scientists have learned, if your parents had children, there's a good chance you may be able to have children too.

    0 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    Enjoy. Every. Sandwich.

  10. #255
    Lifetime Member Enzo's Avatar
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    Or if you have no descendants, neither will your children.


    There are 10 kinds of people in this world - those who know binary, and those who don't.

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    Education is what you're left with after you have forgotten what you have learned.

  11. #256
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  12. #257
    Lest We Forget g1's Avatar
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    Click image for larger version. 

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    Quote Originally Posted by The Dude View Post
    But, I did learn something. There are protons, neutrons, electrons, ............ and morons.

  13. #258
    Lifetime Member Enzo's Avatar
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    A truck driver friend of mine was injured recently. He pulled out to avoid a child... fell off the couch and broke his arm.

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    Education is what you're left with after you have forgotten what you have learned.

  14. #259
    Old Timer tedmich's Avatar
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    its a totally bizarre Soviet Era cartoon, incredibly transparent and ham handed, this is why Putin is soooo popular!

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  15. #260
    Old Timer Leo_Gnardo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tedmich View Post
    its a totally bizarre Soviet Era cartoon, incredibly transparent and ham handed, this is why Putin is soooo popular!
    Way kool find, thanx for posting this! VERY entertaining. Spies everywhere. Can't say I've ever seen a Russian cartoon before. Looks like they had fun making it, very much including the sound track.

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    Enjoy. Every. Sandwich.

  16. #261
    Old Timer J M Fahey's Avatar
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    Interesting and WEIRD cartoon.

    Not sure about the Putin connection though, unless you also believe Private Snafu totally explains Trump


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    Juan Manuel Fahey

  17. #262
    Old Timer J M Fahey's Avatar
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    For a hint on current Russian Animation, my 3 y.o. Granddaughter absolutely LOVES Masha and Bear and makes me watch it for hours in a row:



    So if you want to explain Presidents by cartoon preferences, why not? ... only in this case Masha might explain Putin better

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    Juan Manuel Fahey

  18. #263
    Old Timer Leo_Gnardo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by J M Fahey View Post
    Not sure about the Putin connection though, unless you also believe Private Snafu totally explains Trump
    No, he's more like Sad Sack. Who AFAIK never made it into animation, though there was a Jerry Lewis movie.



    Or maybe Sergeant Bilko, who made a career of running multiple scams on everybody.


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    Last edited by Leo_Gnardo; 07-15-2018 at 10:18 PM.
    Enjoy. Every. Sandwich.

  19. #264
    Master Destroyer nosaj's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Leo_Gnardo View Post
    Way kool find, thanx for posting this! VERY entertaining. Spies everywhere. Can't say I've ever seen a Russian cartoon before. Looks like they had fun making it, very much including the sound track.
    Russian Spy vs Spy?

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    Binkie McFartnuggets‏:If we really wanted to know the meaning of life we would have fed Stephen Hawking shrooms a long time ago.

  20. #265
    Old Timer tedmich's Avatar
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    Juan I see Private SNAFU was originally from the archive.org project, it just so happens I just visited there to watch this:

    https://archive.org/details/therunni...ndingstillfilm

    "the running jumping and standing still film" a 1959 Richard Lester directed movie written by (and starring?) Peter Sellers that was supposedly a favorite of John Lennon's and led him to tap Lester for "It's a Hard Day's Night" and the rest is as they say, history.

    John must have been very young or drunk, as this is unwatchably bad IMHO, in spite of several good people, including Leo McKern.

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  21. #266
    Lest We Forget g1's Avatar
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    I saw this on a guitar forum and had a chuckle.


    Click image for larger version. 

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    Quote Originally Posted by The Dude View Post
    But, I did learn something. There are protons, neutrons, electrons, ............ and morons.

  22. #267
    Bent Member Chuck H's Avatar
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    That reminds me of something a friend asked when I told him that I hunt mushrooms... "Do you use a knife, or a gun?"

    2 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    "...less ear-friendly but handy for jazz." Leo_Gnardo

    "A pedal, any kind, will not make a Guitar player more dangerous than he already is." J M Fahey

    "Now get off my lawn with your silicooties and boom-chucka speakers and computers masquerading as amplifiers" Justin Thomas

    "A shot gun delivers a force that exceeds the operational range of most systems, such as pumpkins." Antigua

  23. #268
    Master Destroyer nosaj's Avatar
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    Found this today thought I'd share
    Click image for larger version. 

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    nosaj

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    Binkie McFartnuggets‏:If we really wanted to know the meaning of life we would have fed Stephen Hawking shrooms a long time ago.

  24. #269
    Master Destroyer nosaj's Avatar
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    This one's better

    nosaj
    Click image for larger version. 

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    2 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    Binkie McFartnuggets‏:If we really wanted to know the meaning of life we would have fed Stephen Hawking shrooms a long time ago.

  25. #270
    Bent Member Chuck H's Avatar
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    Nah. Because the first one is genuine. Just plug "chinglish" into a *oogle image search for some laughs. There's some fakey stuff, but a lot is clearly a lost in translation thing and just funny as hell.

    2 Not allowed! Not allowed!
    "...less ear-friendly but handy for jazz." Leo_Gnardo

    "A pedal, any kind, will not make a Guitar player more dangerous than he already is." J M Fahey

    "Now get off my lawn with your silicooties and boom-chucka speakers and computers masquerading as amplifiers" Justin Thomas

    "A shot gun delivers a force that exceeds the operational range of most systems, such as pumpkins." Antigua

  26. #271
    Old Timer Leo_Gnardo's Avatar
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    A montage of Get Smart scenes, for those who can't get enough of Agent 99. Oh, yeah . . . and the Chief, Maxwell Smart, etc. Some incisive political commentary and a couple of accurate predictions too. Too bad this does not include the rarely seen "interview with KAOS" I've been searching for. Enjoy!


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  27. #272
    Lest We Forget g1's Avatar
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    Not sure if this is legit, but I laughed anyway.

    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Click image for larger version. 

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    Quote Originally Posted by The Dude View Post
    But, I did learn something. There are protons, neutrons, electrons, ............ and morons.

  28. #273
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    Quote Originally Posted by g1 View Post
    Not sure if this is legit, but I laughed anyway.


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  29. #274
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    My neighbours listen to good music. Whether they like it or not.

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  30. #275
    New Member palica's Avatar
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    Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

    Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

    Doctor: "Nine."

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  31. #276
    Lifetime Member Enzo's Avatar
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    Hope I haven't told it already...


    911 operator gets a call from a hunter.

    911, what is your emergency?
    Oh my god, my friend collapsed and fell down here in the forest and I think he might be dead. What do I do?
    Well, first make SURE he is dead.
    OK, just a second...(BLAM).. OK, now what?

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    Education is what you're left with after you have forgotten what you have learned.

  32. #277
    Bent Member Chuck H's Avatar
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    Jed and Earl are out hunting one day and realize they're lost.

    Jed: Well what we gon do now?

    Earl: Well da book say we posa fire three shots in da air an wait.

    So Earl fires three shots and they wait... And wait, and wait.

    Jed: Well what's the book say we do now? It's gittin dark!

    Earl: It say we posa fire three more shots.

    Jed: Well why doncha?

    Earl: Cain't. Dat was our last three arrows.

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    "...less ear-friendly but handy for jazz." Leo_Gnardo

    "A pedal, any kind, will not make a Guitar player more dangerous than he already is." J M Fahey

    "Now get off my lawn with your silicooties and boom-chucka speakers and computers masquerading as amplifiers" Justin Thomas

    "A shot gun delivers a force that exceeds the operational range of most systems, such as pumpkins." Antigua

  33. #278
    Site Janitor tboy's Avatar
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    A Yellowstone Park spokesperson, when asked about the recent installation of squat toilets in the park:

    "Once we put those in, we saw within days a complete rectification of the problem."

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    -tb

  34. #279
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    Carlos Santana and a seasoned cover band guitarist get captured by natives in a jungle. They prepare a pot of boiling oil and grant each a final wish before they throw them in the pot. Carlos Santana says he wants to hear the solo to Black Magic Woman one more time. Even before the journeyman musician is asked, he blurts out, "cook me first".

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  35. #280
    Old Timer
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    Saw this on last Friday's Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
    Real political ad.

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    Last edited by rjb; 10-01-2018 at 11:13 PM.

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