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Thread: How about a thread devoted to humor?

  1. #36
    Supporting Member Chuck H's Avatar
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    A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.
    The bartender looks up and says "Is this some kinda joke?"
    The Dude likes this.
    "I've heard magic defined as "a technology you don't understand". By that aphorism, the folks in this forum are practicing wizards, able to summon AND control the lightning demon, and make charms to allow others to use the demon in certain ways." R.G.

    "...less ear-friendly but handy for jazz." Leo_Gnardo

  2. #37
    Supporting Member Chuck H's Avatar
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    Why don't sharks eat clowns?

    Because they taste funny.
    "I've heard magic defined as "a technology you don't understand". By that aphorism, the folks in this forum are practicing wizards, able to summon AND control the lightning demon, and make charms to allow others to use the demon in certain ways." R.G.

    "...less ear-friendly but handy for jazz." Leo_Gnardo

  3. #38
    Supporting Member Chuck H's Avatar
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    A guy calls the hospital:

    Guy: My wife is having a baby. The contractions are one minute apart. What should I do?
    Nurse: Is this her first child?
    Guy: No! This is her husband you idiot!
    "I've heard magic defined as "a technology you don't understand". By that aphorism, the folks in this forum are practicing wizards, able to summon AND control the lightning demon, and make charms to allow others to use the demon in certain ways." R.G.

    "...less ear-friendly but handy for jazz." Leo_Gnardo

  4. #39
    Supporting Member Chuck H's Avatar
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    Best told with an Irish accent.

    Poor old Shamus O'Mally...

    Sitting at the end of the bar by himself lamenting to the bar tender:

    I help to build the greatest bridge in Ireland. Do they call me Shamus the bridge builder? No.
    I volunteer at the shelter. Do they call me Shamus the kind? No.
    I rebuilt the school house after the fire so the wee children could learn! Do they call me Shamus the good!?! NO!
    But fuck one goat...
    "I've heard magic defined as "a technology you don't understand". By that aphorism, the folks in this forum are practicing wizards, able to summon AND control the lightning demon, and make charms to allow others to use the demon in certain ways." R.G.

    "...less ear-friendly but handy for jazz." Leo_Gnardo

  5. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by Justin Thomas View Post
    In my ideal world, I'm not too loud - your room is too small!

  6. #41
    Supporting Member Chuck H's Avatar
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    There was a dog in that photo?
    Justin Thomas likes this.
    "I've heard magic defined as "a technology you don't understand". By that aphorism, the folks in this forum are practicing wizards, able to summon AND control the lightning demon, and make charms to allow others to use the demon in certain ways." R.G.

    "...less ear-friendly but handy for jazz." Leo_Gnardo

  7. #42
    Old Timer Leo_Gnardo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chuck H View Post
    You can always gauge a drummers experience level by how fast he drinks his lunch.
    I love their soup du jour - they have it every day!
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails soup.jpg  

  8. #43
    Old Timer Leo_Gnardo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chuck H View Post
    There was a dog in that photo?
    Guaranteed there is no dog in this photo. West and wewaxation at waaaaast for kitty.
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails nodogs.jpg  
    Chuck H and Audiotexan like this.

  9. #44
    Old Timer Leo_Gnardo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chuck H View Post
    There was a dog in that photo?
    The dog's in this photo, and he loves cheesecake! Look on his face is priceless. I've felt like that sometimes. Not often enough.
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails dog-like-woah.jpg  
    Chuck H, The Dude and Audiotexan like this.

  10. #45
    Supporting Member The Dude's Avatar
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    3 likes for that one Leo. One for the dog and the other two for..............................well, you know.
    “Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.”

  11. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by Leo_Gnardo View Post
    Next, photos from an actual local Craigslist ad, don't look if you're drinking anything, it may come out your nose.
    top 3 guesses: Philly? Detroit? or St.Louis? lol
    Start simple...then go deep!

    "EL84's are the bitches of guitar amp design." Chuck H

    "How could they know back in 1980-whatever that there'd come a time when it was easier to find the wreck of the Titanic than find another SAD1024?" -Mark Hammer

  12. #47
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    Condom Slogans

    I blame the dog pic for bringing me here. ;P

    image003.jpg image002.jpgimage001.jpgimage006.jpgimage005.jpgimage004.jpgimage008.jpgimage007.jpg
    big_teee likes this.
    Start simple...then go deep!

    "EL84's are the bitches of guitar amp design." Chuck H

    "How could they know back in 1980-whatever that there'd come a time when it was easier to find the wreck of the Titanic than find another SAD1024?" -Mark Hammer

  13. #48
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    A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

    As the panda starts to leave, the bartender shouts, "Hey! You just shot my waiter, and you didn't pay for your sandwich!!"

    As he's walking out the door, the panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a panda! Look it up!"

    The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition: "Panda: a large mammal of Asian origin, distinguished by prominent black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
    Chuck H and big_teee like this.
    Start simple...then go deep!

    "EL84's are the bitches of guitar amp design." Chuck H

    "How could they know back in 1980-whatever that there'd come a time when it was easier to find the wreck of the Titanic than find another SAD1024?" -Mark Hammer

  14. #49
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    A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

    Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

    He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee,then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
    Start simple...then go deep!

    "EL84's are the bitches of guitar amp design." Chuck H

    "How could they know back in 1980-whatever that there'd come a time when it was easier to find the wreck of the Titanic than find another SAD1024?" -Mark Hammer

  15. #50
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    Last one for tonight... I reckon Steve A will find this particularly enjoyable.



    A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"
    Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
    #1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.
    #2 Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
    #3 We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
    #4 The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
    #5 And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
    Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

    So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

    Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

    The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

    The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

    The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep "shit".

    Start simple...then go deep!

    "EL84's are the bitches of guitar amp design." Chuck H

    "How could they know back in 1980-whatever that there'd come a time when it was easier to find the wreck of the Titanic than find another SAD1024?" -Mark Hammer

  16. #51
    Senior Member potatofarmer's Avatar
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    How do you know there's a drummer at your door?
    -The knocking speeds up and he doesn't know when to come in.

    How do you get a guitarist to play more slowly?
    -Put sheet music in front of him.
    How do you get him to stop?
    -Put notes on it.

    How many rhythm guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
    -One, but the lead guitarist has to show him how first.

    Timmy's dad gets him a bass guitar for Christmas, and the music store includes four free lessons.
    Timmy comes back from his first lesson - "It was great, I learned the first four notes on the E string!"
    A week later, Timmy comes back from his second lesson -"This time I learned the first four notes on the A string!"
    A week later, Timmy comes home and his dad asks how the lesson went. "Oh, I didn't go. I had a gig!"

  17. #52
    Supporting Member Chuck H's Avatar
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    Q: How many lead guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: 10

    One to screw in the light bulb and nine to watch and say they could have done it better.
    Audiotexan likes this.
    "I've heard magic defined as "a technology you don't understand". By that aphorism, the folks in this forum are practicing wizards, able to summon AND control the lightning demon, and make charms to allow others to use the demon in certain ways." R.G.

    "...less ear-friendly but handy for jazz." Leo_Gnardo

  18. #53
    Old Timer Leo_Gnardo's Avatar
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    New kid in the neighborhood spent the last couple hours playing with Juniior. Now he's gone home and Junior asks Mom "where did I come from?" Fearing Junior's just heard a lot of disinformation, Mom gives him the whole lecture, the birds & the bees, fallopian tubes, DNA, the whole schmear. After a while Junior's eyes look a bit glazed, then he goes back to his favorite activity, pushing his toy bulldozer around the sandbox. Later on, Dad comes home and after dinner Mom hears Junior ask Dad "where did I come from?" Expecting to give a similar lecture, Dad asks "why do you need to know?" Junior replied "My new friend Looie who just moved in up the street came from Poughkeepsie. So, where did I come from?"

    - - - - - - - -

    audiotexan - the leopard print head velvet bassman (grill too) was in Mid-Hudson Craigslist. Reminds me of the Dylan song "how does your head feel wearing something like that, a leopard skin pillbox hat"
    Last edited by Leo_Gnardo; 01-15-2015 at 02:05 PM.

  19. #54
    Old Timer Leo_Gnardo's Avatar
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    How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

    Twenty. One to change the bulb, and nineteen to stand around and talk about how Steve Gadd would have done it.

    - - - - - - - -

    How many record producers does it take to change a light bulb?

    I dunno, what do you think?

    - - - - - - - -

    How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?

    Just one, they hold the bulb up and the world spins around him (or her.)

    - - - - - - - - - -

    How many guitar amp techs does it take to change a light bulb?

    Just one. What's the big deal? See, done already.
    Audiotexan likes this.

  20. #55
    Senior Member Silvertone Jockey's Avatar
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    So Loraina Bobbit was driving from the seen of John Wayne Bobbit's tragic dismemberment in her convertible when she decided she better get rid of Wayne's no longer attached privet part, so she grabbed it and chucked it over her shoulder, where it flew and landed on the windshield of the the car behind her. The startled driver quickly turned on the wipers to remove the very unusual road debris from the windshield.

    Driving the car was a father and his grade school aged daughter sat beside him in the front seat. Anyway the girl turned to the father and asked "Daddy what was that? Caught of guard he father replied "nothing honey it was just a bug" The girl got thoughtful for a few seconds and then turned and said......














































    Boy .........that bug sure had a big d#ck
    Chuck H, The Dude and Audiotexan like this.

  21. #56
    Old Timer tedmich's Avatar
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    Q: How many radical feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: That's not funny!
    Justin Thomas likes this.

  22. #57
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    Quote Originally Posted by Leo_Gnardo View Post
    New kid in the neighborhood spent the last couple hours playing with Juniior. Now he's gone home and Junior asks Mom "where did I come from?" Fearing Junior's just heard a lot of disinformation, Mom gives him the whole lecture, the birds & the bees, fallopian tubes, DNA, the whole schmear. After a while Junior's eyes look a bit glazed, then he goes back to his favorite activity, pushing his toy bulldozer around the sandbox. Later on, Dad comes home and after dinner Mom hears Junior ask Dad "where did I come from?" Expecting to give a similar lecture, Dad asks "why do you need to know?" Junior replied "My new friend Looie who just moved in up the street came from Poughkeepsie. So, where did I come from?"
    On one of the old Dick Van Dyke Show episodes. Little Richie comes home from school and asks his mom, played by Mary Tyler Moore, "Mom, what's sex?". Mary Tyler Mooregathers her composure and starts to prattle on about "when a man and a woman fall in love...", etc. As she begins to get flustered, trying to think of the next more delicate part, she stops and asks him "Why do you want to know?", to which he replies "Because I have to fill out this form from school and besdie where I put my name it says 'Sex' ".

  23. #58
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    Check Please!


  24. #59
    Old Timer Tom Phillips's Avatar
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    Please fill out our survey form.ymca.jpg

  25. #60
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    Quote Originally Posted by dai h. View Post
    Check Please!

    I LOOOOOVVVE GGM. MY wife got me the DVD set of all 3 seasons.

    For the unfamiliar, try and imagine an Indo-British production of "In Living Color" or Key and Peele.

  26. #61
    Old Timer tedmich's Avatar
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    How about the drummer who kept getting fired for having bad time.
    He became so depressed that he went to the railroad tracks and threw himself behind a train.
    Chuck H, The Dude and patlaw like this.

  27. #62
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    yeah. Great great show. Another one!


  28. #63
    Senior Member Paleo Pete's Avatar
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    Grandpa was 80 and went to the doctor for his regular check up. Everything looked good, and the doctor gave him a little bottle and told him to bring in a sperm sample. So home he went.

    A couple of days later he showed up at the doctor's office with an empty bottle, Doc asked him what happened...

    Well Doc, he said, I tried with my right hand, tried with my left hand, no luck, so I got my wife. She tried with her left hand, tried with her right, even tried with her teeth, no luck. So we got the next door neighbor's wife, and she tried with her left hand, tried with her right, even tried with...

    Doc was freakin out and stopped him there...your neighbor's WIFE????

    Yeah Doc, no matter what we did we couldn't get the damn bottle open...
    Chuck H likes this.
    Why do I drive way out here to view the wildlife when all the animals live in town?

    My Photography - http://billy-griffis-jr.artistwebsites.com/

  29. #64
    Senior Member Paleo Pete's Avatar
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    OK one more. I wish I could dig out my folder, I have dozens of these printed out from emails years ago. Unfortunately I can't remember most...

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping out on the prairie one night. Tonto woke the Lone Ranger up around 2AM...

    What's wrong Tonto?

    Kemosabe (a name they made up, there is no such word in any Native American language) Look up. What you see?

    I see millions of stars...

    What that mean to you Kemosabe?

    Well, astronomically it means there are millions of stars and galaxies out there.

    Mathematically it means there's little chance we are the only life in the universe.

    Astrologically it means Leo is rising.

    Meteorologically it means tomorrow should be a fine day.

    He gazed a few moments and asked...What does it mean to you Tonto?

    Tonto shook his head...

    Kemosabe, you dumb as a buffalo chip, it mean someone stole tent!
    Justin Thomas and Audiotexan like this.
    Why do I drive way out here to view the wildlife when all the animals live in town?

    My Photography - http://billy-griffis-jr.artistwebsites.com/

  30. #65
    Supporting Member Jazz P Bass's Avatar
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    Another Lone Ranger joke.
    (A bit off color though.)

    "The Lone Ranger is relieving himself & a rattlesnack strikes & bites him in the we*ner.
    So he sends Tonto to the doctor to find out what they should do.

    Tonto rides into town to the doctor & tells him what happened.
    So the doctor replies:"You have to make a small incision at the bite & suck out the venom."

    So Tonto goes back & the Lone Ranger, who is lying on the ground writhing in agony, says to him "What did he say! What did the doc say?"

    Tonto replies:" He say you going to die Kemosabe."
    Justin Thomas and Audiotexan like this.

  31. #66
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    The old cowboy was sitting in the bar when a young lady came in and sat beside him. "Are you a real cowboy", she asked? "He said he was, all day fixing fences, tending to the cows, and taking care of the ranch".
    "What are you", he asked. "Well I'm a lesbian, all the time I think about women, their naked bodies, and how much I enjoy being with them".
    After she left a fellow came in and sat next to the old cowboy, and asked him if he was a real cowboy. He said "I used to think I was, but I found out today, that I was a lesbian!"

  32. #67
    Supporting Member Chuck H's Avatar
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    Two good 'ol southern boys, Bob and Earl, are sitting on the porch. It's too hot for work so their just watching the grass turn brown...

    Bob: Well how 'bout a game then?
    Earl: Whatcha got?
    Bob: I sawr it on the TV. It's called 20 questions.
    Earl: Well how d'ya play it?
    Bob: I thinka somthin' an you get ta ask up ta 20 questions fore gessin'.
    Earl: Aright then. Ya thinkin' a somthin'?

    Bob thinks on it for a second and the first thing that comes to his mind is donkey dick.

    Bob: Yeah. You go ahead.
    Earl: Ok then... Kin ya eat it?
    Bob: (thinks for a moment) Well... Yeah. I spose.
    Earl: (thinks for a moment) Is it donkey dick?
    "I've heard magic defined as "a technology you don't understand". By that aphorism, the folks in this forum are practicing wizards, able to summon AND control the lightning demon, and make charms to allow others to use the demon in certain ways." R.G.

    "...less ear-friendly but handy for jazz." Leo_Gnardo

  33. #68
    Supporting Member The Dude's Avatar
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    One day, while driving along, a blonde sees another blonde in the middle of a wheat field rowing a boat. She stops, gets out of the car, and shouts to the blonde in the middle of the field, "It's blondes like you that give all of us a bad name and, if I could swim, I would come over there and kick your ass!"
    “Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.”

  34. #69
    Supporting Member The Dude's Avatar
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    Another one brought to you by the fine state of South Dakota. This is actually real.

    South Dakota Yanks ?Don't Jerk & Drive? Campaign -- NYMag
    “Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.”

  35. #70
    Senior Member potatofarmer's Avatar
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    Here's one that everyone at MEF should be able to guess the punchline of...

    What do you throw a drowning guitarist?

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